Being an awkward kid, and a somewhat still awkward adult, I’ve had plenty of horrible, “please kill me now” cringeworthy moments throughout my life. This one easily lands in the top 5.
I’m sharing this with you readers after months of neglect (sorry), as part of a new book project I’m working on. It will be a compilation of true embarrassing stories gathered from Reddit, reader submissions, and my own personal tales of horror, called The Cringe Bible. Stories about growing up, stories about love, sex, masturbation, work, school, parenthood, or wherever else people have had what they can humorously call the worst moment of their life.
I’ve added a simple form here where you can type out and submit (anonymously, if you wish) your most embarrassing story for a chance to be included in the upcoming book! You can also send your story to email@example.com. More info at the bottom.
Without further ado…
Neftlix and Not-So-Chill
So, a couple of years ago I was sort of seeing this girl and we were taking things kind of slow. We had talked casually for a long time, but had just started hanging out in person not long before this, and only a handful of times. We hadn’t had sex yet, but things were certainly heading towards that direction.
So one evening we’re texting and she asks me if I want to “come over and watch Netflix or something.”
Now, as any millennial will tell you, this phrase is pretty much holding up a big cardboard sign in your face that says “I would like to have sex with you, but I can’t just come out and ask you to come over and have sex.” So I think hey, tonight is gonna be a good night! I slip a condom in my back pocket and head towards her house.
I park my truck and step out, and that’s when the first wrench in my gears is thrown. I hear a bunch of people talking on her porch. Hmm, that’s weird, I think. Doesn’t sound like the type of night she described… I walk up and it’s her, her sister, and their friends all sitting around chatting. I had met a couple of them on occasion, but didn’t know any of them well at that point in time. Not quite a Netflix and chill situation but oh well, I can roll with the punches!
So, I sit down and jump in the conversation. I’m cracking jokes, having a good time, being the suave, interesting, and handsome man my grandma tells me I am. I’m feeling like Frank Sinatra fuckin’ Junior in this group of seven or eight women.
That’s when I start feeling a little chill in the air on this magical summer’s night. “I’m gonna go grab my jacket out of my truck,” I say as I casually stand up and walk around the corner.
I grabbed the jacket and was turning around to walk back when I heard one of the girls say—”If it was me, I wouldn’t even come back. I would just get in my car and go.”
I’m shocked for a moment… another wrench is thrown in my gears. Was I really that bad at conversation? Had I mistaken hubris for confidence? Okay, keep it cool, Tom… no big deal just keep it cool and pretend you never heard that…
I walk around the corner and every girl there is staring at me in silence. I stop in my tracks. I stare back. No one says a word for a moment.
Then her sister breaks the silence—”So uhhh, Tom… is that yours?”
I look over at my chair. There, sitting on the cushion, is the condom that was in my back pocket. I swear it looks like there is an 800-watt spotlight centered on it.
My vision spins. My brain searches for a lie. Think, think, think. I stammer. I stutter. A semi truck has driven into my gears now.
“I uhhh… I was just… well… SHE SAID COME OVER AND WATCH NETFLIX AND HANG OUT.”
They’re all laughing now.
“NETFLIX AND CH—I JUST…”
“I’m gonna… yea, I think I’m gonna go, let me just grab this,” I said as I picked up the sad rubber and glanced at it like my own obituary for second, and then put it into a different pocket. “Yep… yep, this is the worst.”
I had to laugh at the situation, but I also would have just as quickly jumped into a helicopter, flown to the nearest mountain, and spent out the rest of my days up there as a hermit and reminiscing on the old days and weeping silently each morning.
I could tell the girls could just feel the pain emanating from my entire body and they empathized accordingly with consoling comments such as “as least he’s being safe,” and “wow, I would probably kill myself.”
I ended up staying the rest of the evening and making the most out of it by joking along with them, but I learned a valuable lesson that night. Never, ever, EVER, use a condom.
Kidding, of course.
Thanks for reading, I’m going to go die now. If you’d like to submit your story, click the link below to submit anonymously or shoot an email over to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you’d like to submit anonymously through email, I’d recommend just quickly creating a new Gmail account.
If your story is accepted to be included, it will list your first name and city in the book. If you choose to remain anonymous, either of those can be changed. If you submit a story and don’t explicitly ask that your real first name or city be included, I will assume you wish to remain anonymous and create a name and city for you or list it as Anonymous.
Click here to submit your story! (Anonymously if you wish)
Thanks for reading! As always, peace and happy travels.